I sit on a cliff, alone, waiting for answers today.
What has happened to the family? What has happened to the importance of a good, solid family?
This is sort of off the norm of what I usually write about but today I thought it was important to bring up.
My family is going through some major breakdown. We used to be so close and now we are falling apart. The fighting has escalated to an all-time high. The strife and disrespect have taken on a life of its own. Trying to pull everyone together to try to bring some peace and forgiveness is not even an option, so what do I do?
I have been praying for my family through one thing after another. It started when my kids were very young. They’re all grown up now but it doesn’t stop me from praying for them. It’s just another level of how I do it and what I say.
I come from a large family of several aunts and uncles, 5 siblings with their kids and grand-kids, several cousins and their kids, second cousins+, nieces, a few nephews and four sons and a grandson. Everyone is within 1 1/2 hour drive, texts all day and some phone calls. Most weekends it’s a normal thing to find someone in the family having some kind of get together. If not planned, impromptu is just fine. We have had many years of having our kids get together to keep up the tradition of making family a priority. A friend who once told me that I didn’t need friends because I had my large family. Although having friends was great, she was right. I did have this awesome family I did everything with. My core best friends were my sister, my cousin and my niece. My brother had my sons to hang with him and the younger kids/cousins hung out together. It was great.
I wanted to keep this positive family dynamic going, but we got hit with tragedy, death, and divorce. Too much of it in a short period of time. It reared its destructive, ugly head in many areas of the lives of our family. It became too much to bear in some and that caused a ripple effect of a downward spiral. For some, it was worse than others. For others it was a journey to becoming a better person. And others, it’s ongoing.
What’s happened in my family recently has cause more problems.
Now I understand that as our kids get older they will pull away and want to have their own life and associate with whomever they please. If they choose not to be around the family, that’s their choice. I get that. But when the reason for staying away is because you’re mad at someone, you can’t speak to this one or that one for whatever reason… that is a problem. You don’t realize that it hurts others in your family. It will cause some to take sides when sides shouldn’t be in the picture. Something needs to be done. But you seem to be the only one who cares. What do you do?
For me, I was broken. This had never happened in all my years in my large family. There have been problems, but nothing like this. I prayed and prayed and prayed for years. But instead of things getting better, they got worse.
This morning I found myself angry, wondering where is God? I wondered what happened with all those prayers I had already prayed over the years? Didn’t that mean anything? Did they only hit the ceiling and disappear from there? I began to call God on his own word. He said family is the most important thing. Marriage and family. He created it. It’s our foundation, our strength. What was happening to my family?
Then I realized it wasn’t God. This was the work of the enemy, Satan who hates anything good and family is a very good thing. He has an all-out war against the family, mine and yours. God is for us. He is doing things behind the scenes to heal everyone in my family. There has been so much pain that it will take the hand of almighty God the heal and restore us all.
I was called to stand for my family and I have been in this battle for years. On the outside, it doesn’t seem like anything is happening but I know it is. I trust the Lord is working on my behalf and on behalf of my family. There are a lot of us and a lot needs to be done. It’s not an easy fix.
As I write this it is becoming clear what the Lord is doing. He has things under control. I may get angry over what’s going on and that’s fine. But I mustn’t stay there. I need to give it to the Lord and let him deal with all the parties involved.
Yes, I wanted to throw in the towel because it’s heartbreaking to see my family coming apart when I see the greatness in each one of them. I want to fix it, but it’s way over my abilities to fix this mess. Only Jesus can.
The bible says when we go through hard times, we need to know we are not alone. There are many others who are going through the same thing and we must encourage one another to keep praying, keep standing, keep believing even when there seems nothing is happening. Trust God. Give it to him. He will make all things work together for those who believe in Him.
Ask yourself- if not you then who will pray for your family? Who can love them and want the best for all of them more than you? Only God. So don’t give up on them. Don’t lose the hope you have for them. If you can see it, He can do it and do it better than you can imagine.
Don’t give up.
I just had a little scare. I was going over my to do/check list of things I need to do in this course I’m doing, and with the several parts to it I have different checks. I have a calender that I have listed what gets posted today. A book that has a list of what I need to create and prepare. Another page for what lesson gets posted on social media. I have a video log of what goes on youtube, what is for the website only and what is for Instagram and so on. I have check lists for everything. Each day has its list of what gets done for that day. It’s created for order. Most days it’s good. And all my items are checked on time, in order.
But tonight as I was going over videos that I created for instagram, a few were gone. I accidentally erased them. Not that big of a deal. Those are only a minute long. But, as I looked at my calender, I got confused about what I already posted.
What?! I’m behind! I thought I was a week ahead! I need to pick up the pace! How am I going to do that? It already takes me all day to do one lesson.
I looked it over again. I looked at all my lists. I looked at the videos to see what was posted. It seemed wrong. There’s a mistake. I calmed down and looked at the dates on the calender. What was supposed to be done yesterday? Okay. Fine. Check. What’s on schedule for tomorrow? Okay, good. It’s ready. So, what’s the problem? As it turned out, I was looking at the wrong week. I was a week ahead as planned. I just looked too far ahead. Whew! Thank God.
So what happened? Nothing. This happens when you are doing everything yourself. You are your own assistant. You are your own director, your own manager, your own everything. It’s the end of the day and I’m exhausted. I experienced what happens to most people who run their own business single handed. But, it’s okay. That’s not the first time I had a scare. The first few days were full of them. But it’s getting better. It was just a little scare.
It has been a rough few days. Little sleep, late nights, multiple birthday celebrations, changing locations, off my diet, weather changes all while I am still working on my free web class. It’s a lot going on all at once and I love it. I realized that I had already passed the test of ‘keep going’ no matter what’s going on in my life. I take my work with me and do it as best I can. I know that people do it all the time. But for me, when things get too much about this time, I would have already quit and moved on to the next thing. I have come a long way.
I get up and I know my day is going to be great. Even being exhausted from a long weekend, or night of little sleep, I commit to doing the work, on schedule, no matter what. I don’t know who is taking my course, I haven’t checked. There is a reason for that. I don’t want to get caught up on that and lose sight of what is important. There is so much more that’s going on behind the scenes. I trust God in this. I am learning and I am growing and getting past old, bad habits. I am using my past to help others when they do the class whenever that will be. Whether there is an audience or not, I create it as if there are hundreds.
I treat each day as if I am going to the studio. I turned my bedroom into a studio and I do everything myself. I’m learning what it takes to do a video; research, rehearsal, content, hair/makeup, wardrobe, staging, lights, timing, etc. A lot. And it makes me so happy doing this work.
I knew a few years back I wanted to do this, but I didn’t know how it was going to happen. I had no idea how to get started, who to talk to, where to go. I don’t run in those circles, yet. I looked online and watched how others do it. I tried to copy, but that ended at a wall. I could only get so far and it never would get to the place I needed or wanted. I couldn’t even get an appointment to meet people who were doing what I wanted to do. I was always in the wrong place, or timing was off, or I couldn’t get to where they were. Networking was just not for me. It was not for me to go that route. God had another way. His way was to just do it from where I was and don’t look to the left or to the right. Don’t jump ahead. Don’t stay back. Move one step at a time and do what was in front of me. Man! That was new. I always jumped ahead and got nowhere. Now, now that I am doing things God’s way, I am not stressing and enjoying every step of the new life that’s unfolding before my eyes.
I am so grateful. I say it all the time. I can’t help myself. I am. It’s such an amazing feeling that I haven’t experienced before. I’d have great moments here and there, but this is different. This experience continues to stretch, push, guide, and bless me every day. I thank the Lord for this. It’s a dream to me. Sounds nuts, but that’s the truth. I am so happy with how things are working and I still don’t know where this will lead. I am just enjoying it. For the first time in my life, I love my life. Odd, huh? Yeah. But it’s great. Really great. I only wish I had more energy. Other than that, it’s fantastic!