I have had several bad days, lately. I have done everything I can think of in my own power to shake this off. It’s happened a lot in the last 6 months or so, but not as bad or in length as this.
I know God has given me this call to do what it is I’m pursuing. I know about working it to the best of my abilities, and when that isn’t enough, I call on the Holy Spirit to help me. It’s taken me many years to get this far because of all the stop/go, go/stop I’ve encountered in this journey. I’d get to a point and bam! Like the Lord was saying, “Stop. That’s enough of that, now we’re going in another direction. I want you to learn this.” I’d wonder what I did all that work for and I’d be reminded that all things work together for good to those who are in Christ and are called according to his purpose. That’s fine, but when? That was my question.
This cycle went on for years as my knowledge in Christ grew. I was learning a lot about him and myself and gaining awareness of the process of growth. What we need for staying power is the foundation we receive from our faith walk. How could I measure it? Nothing I have been waiting for has manifested, yet, so how do I know?
We move from faith to faith and we can then pass on our knowledge to others to help them in their faith walk. We find our self, as least for me, that I will talk and share my story and my understanding of the Lord and his ways. I have knowledge and experience and when I speak I am amazed at the words coming out of my mouth. It’s taken years to develop that foundation, my roots are deep. It certainly didn’t happen overnight. Like a Chinese bamboo tree, it takes 5 years of growing underground, which you cannot see any sign of growth before it surfaces. After it surfaces, it only takes 5 weeks to grow 90 feet tall. But how can it possibly do that without a solid root growth? Our growth we cannot see until we have some built roots, some substance, some time invested in the growth process.
I had to remember this today when I was feeling so confused. Why was this still happening to me? Then it came to me that it’s in my foundation of growth. I am about to break surface, but not before the foundation is prepared. I am preparing everything. I am preparing for what I have believed for, all these years. I am building and growing and soon, I will break through.
Sometimes going back to a place that was only bad memories, you find out it wasn’t as bad as you believed. You carried that weight on your shoulders, taking space in your brain only to find out you were wrong. When you get there, after all those years you realize it wasn’t as bad as you thought and it was only in your mind. That happened to me.
For years I couldn’t even think of ever going back. Never. But, as it happened I went back to attend a funeral. While I was there I was able to see the new buildings, stores, and homes that popped up everywhere making it look inviting. I was amazed. I was a kid again. All of a sudden I was filled with joy. I was giddy as I pointed at everything that I remembered. It was fun. Just like a kid. “Look at that!” “I remember that. It’s still the same!” “Oooh, look. There’s a new bridge. Was it there before?” “I remember being here. It was so fun.”
I said it. “It was so fun.” How did I forget all the good? How did I erase the things that kept me sane while I was there? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am no longer a prisoner of that short period of my life that kept me down for years. That time was short, but my mind made it long. What a waste.
While I was there I was able to see places I loved. The incredible river that went on for miles where we used to cruise along the road. The laughs, the summer, the warmth, the sun. I stood on top of a rock and looked from one end of the mighty water to the other, smelling the familiar air. Lovely.
What did going back and finding the beauty of the past do for me? I was able to remember and move on with a smile.
I’ve been busy on my social media but not here. I apologize. I have all these different sites and it’s been a bit of a challenge to try to keep up. You wonder what is the right fit and you work on that for a while to gain some kind of momentum. I love this one, though. I knew I wanted to keep this and I kept telling myself I would be back, but I just didn’t get to it. It kind of fell to the bottom of my to-do list. But, I’m still here.
The last thing I wrote about was doing my workshop. Well, as it turns out it’s not as easy as it seems. I have been to many over the years with work, church, women’s groups but I wasn’t the one putting them on. There are many things to think about before you start. My problem, well, one of them is that I let too many people give their opinion. Those who understand what I’m trying to do and those who just don’t get it. Either way, too many people having a say in what I am doing. Did this discourage me? Maybe a little but not completely because I know it came from God. But getting the right information has been a challenge.
I’ve come to the understanding I don’t have to be perfect. Which is something I was trying to do. I have never done this before and I wanted to be perfect. It doesn’t work that way. It’s over time and a lot of practice and some failures but you keep on going. I didn’t get that before. I tell ya, I sure wish I knew that when I was younger. That would have made a world of difference for me. I thought I had to be perfect in everything and if there was no chance, I’d quit or just not start. It’s true. Fear. Oh my gosh. So much fear.
It’s taken me to go on this road to see that this is how it works. It’s okay not to be perfect. Just get out there. What I have learned is that the more I learn, the more I need to learn, which has made the process slow. But the knowledge I’ve gained is incredible. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
No, it hasn’t been as easy as I thought but I know it will turn out well, no matter what. I will just keep at it until I have reached my goal of having sold out workshops. I believe in what I do and the message I have to share. So, if the Lord, creator of my life and heaven and earth has given me this assignment, I think it’s gonna be fine.
Help! I’m creating my first workshop!
Yes, it’s true. I was in prayer one day and I asked the Lord, “what do you want me to do, now?” Well, he didn’t give me an answer at the moment. but a few days later I was driving on the freeway and I got it. It was coming to me so fast that I had to get out my phone and record it or I’d forget the details. The information was coming to me in bullet points. I spoke it into my recorder as fast as it was coming to me. A workshop. The Lord showed me to prepare for workshops.
I’d done them before in a former job, so I had no problem Doing Them. I just hadn’t been the one who designed and created them. There was already in place the materials to pass out, slide presentations, products to sell were all ready to go, answers to everything I taught- and I didn’t have to worry about anything but showing up. So I have the experience.
This is different. This is my own thing. My personal information I want to share. The thing I went through Hell for, to teach others, help them, give advice, insight, a path to change. That’s my message and purpose. And here the Lord said, “create your workshop and this is what I want you to do.”
Have you heard the saying, if you’re not scared of the task, the dream, the vision then it’s probably not from God? If you’re scared, it’s probably from God. He wants us to rely on Him, not on our own strength. He is to get the glory. Well, I admit. I am scared. I never did anything that was that scary or risky, never. If it got to be risky, my pattern was to quit. That’s why I’m in this dilemma today. Too scared to risk. That’s a sad way to live, I know. So, I have a lot to teach, ha, ha. Really.
Anyway, I’m writing this as part of accountability. Everyone around me wants me to play it safe and not risk too much. They don’t want to see me get hurt, get my hopes up and things don’t work. They mean well but it isn’t encouraging. It’s an easy escape.
Anyway, that is what is on my plate lately. I finished my online workshop. I enjoyed that. Everything about it. To tell the truth, I’d love to create more of those, but I’d charge for it. The first one was free. There’s a lot that goes into creating videos. I did everything in it. Great training for the future, I suppose.
It’s my dream to do this and be very good at it. I want what everyone wants, to be the best they can be. That’s what I want and what I teach; changing through the Fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Here we go…
I nearly panicked. But because of the years of training I have had with the Lord, I paused and turned to HIm. I was hit with three bills that need to be paid right now. Now. I haven’t the funds to do so. In fact, my account is upside down. I have no means to get the funds immediately and I had to give it to God. In the past, I would have panicked and tried every means I could to get it taken care of, but this time, I wanted to pass the test.
In the past, I would have handled it and not wait to see what the Lord would come up with. I’d thank him for the fix, but was it his idea? I don’t think so. It was me in panic mode. This time I had a new thought. I went to prayer. I journaled and prayed in my journal. That lead me to the scripture, Numbers 11:23, “Is the Lord’s arm too short? Now you will see whether or not what I say will come true for you.” Declares the Lord. which reminded me that God wants us to Praise our way out of our mess. That lead me to turn on praise music and I got on my knees to worship, surrender and Praise.
My spirit was lifted. Peace entered my mind and I said, ‘I want to be that girl.’ That girl who gets on the floor and to worship him, knowing everything will be fine. I always wanted to be her, but too much had happened and I was still waiting for breakthrough. I was still waiting and then things keep happening. I trust, but was there a limit? I wanted to be that girl who says, in complete honesty that Jesus took care of everything. When there was no way, he took care of everything. I wanted that. But I didn’t have it, yet. I had an opportunity to be that, have that to say that and I thought of all the times he wanted to show himself but I got in the way.
God is a good, good father. But we have to get out of the way so he can show himself. He does not share His glory. He is mighty, big, strong, gentle and Kind. We can trust him. I can trust him. I’m going to be fine. In fact, I’m going to be great, because He says so.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5,6
I sit on a cliff, alone, waiting for answers today.